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Monday, August 04, 2008

Wanna-Be-Mommy

I haven't talked in this blog much about my infertility issues. Sometimes I have to wait till I'm ready to open the door on a topic.

We're starving college students with no money. We haven't really tried much beyond Clomid, Metformin and lots and lots of practice. On the other hand, I'm not that far off from 40, in fact she's openly mocking me. I'm starting to feel the old biological clock speed up.

I know the vast majority of my readers are Mommies. I also know that for many of you, conceiving that little bundle of joy was not quite as easy as we were led to believe in health class.

One of the questions I ponder is: if we don't have enough money, or even a house to mortgage, for fertility treatments or adoption, how on earth are we going to have enough money to properly care for a child? I know that's not helpful. I know there's a big difference between shelling out $10 to $50K up-front and shelling out the same amount over an extended period of time. What is it that makes us so susceptible to self-doubt?

We're also considering adoption or fostering, but my husband's work, once he finishes this Master's degree, will most likely involve us living abroad. We need to be able to take the kids, possibly permanently, out of the country.

So here's the point: I'm asking for your advice. What do you suggest? What worked for you? Any words of wisdom you want to share with me and all the other wanna-be-mommies out there?
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21 comments:

Karen said...

If you are going to be leaving the country, and are considering either adoption or fostering, then adoption would probably be what you'd need to aim for.

Friends of mine fostered and had to move to another state because of work. They weren't allowed to take their foster childen with them as the state had custody. I think that would apply to going to another country as well, other thn for a holiday.

Your best bet is probably to check with your local state agency as the rules do vary from state to state.

Michelle said...

Adoption is a great option!
I am not sure what makes us doubt ourselves. It is something that you will struggle with even as a mom (should I do this or not do that). Somehow, the money always works itself out. You may not be able to do everything, but you find and create what is important for you and your family to experience. Hang in there! You are going to be a great mom!

Miss Blondie said...

I think that it doesn't matter what point you are in your life, you'll always find reasons not to have a child. You just have to do it. I agree with Michelle, the money always works itself out. You learn to manage and budget yourself. Good Luck!

asthmagirl said...

I was one of those that got pregnant easily, so I'm not a good resource for you. But I often doubted my ability to parent, and in retrospect I did well. If you have even the slightest interest in being a parent, do what you need to do... money and location will work itself out.

Does Anybody Hear Me said...

If you wait until you have enough money, you will never have a baby!! I am a stay at home mom for 15 year now. We have survived on an Enlisted Military paycheck (enlisted make WAY less than Officers) and have kept a roof over our heads. You just find the money when you have kids. You eat hamburger helper and grilled cheese. You go to the matinee movie intead of the evening movie. You start buying your own clothes at Walmart and give the better clothes to your kids. You don't have the biggest tv or the fastest internet connection. You just do what you have to do. And you will never, ever regret it!

scargosun said...

I think adoption is a good option for you but the sooner the better as it is a long process. We don't know if we will have kids for many reasons, different for both of us yet with the same outcome. I think adoption is one of the best things a person can do.

Mamahut said...

I am the one they were talking about in health class but! My little sister cannot get pregnant so she decided being a foster mom was the best she could do. She has now adopted 4 of the sweetest kids in the world. The last 2 are 2 year old twins. It did take a couple of years to get them adopted but now they are her forever kids.

amy smith said...

praying for you in your journey, whatever you decide to do.
praying for stregnth, wisdom, and peace.
there are so many children who just want a mom and dad to call their own....

Jennifer said...

I don't think I'll be a huge help to you--but I would still look into the fostering--maybe there's a way that you could get special permission to take them out of state? I would start making a lot of calls, etc. and get the ball rolling on that. Same w/ adoption--get the ball rolling now as it can take a long time.

Plus--keep on tryin' on your own!

Try not to fixate on the money aspect of raising a child--that always seems to work out.

GOOD LUCK!!

Teri said...

It was over 10 years before I finally became a Mommy. Lots of treatments, procedures, drugs, etc. Lots of heartache, stress, 3 miscarriages, too. BUT...out of the blue one day (after we decided to forget about having kids after all), someone called us to say that they had a friend who was now unexpectedly pregnant and who knew of our earlier plight AND who wanted US to be the parents! Yes, it actually happened that way. Then, after our son was born, we were so ecstatic and enjoyed him so much that we wanted another child as soon as possible. Otherwise, we would still be happy with one. Low and behold, another weird set of circumstances and we got a call that our daughter had just been born...we didn't even know this person had been considering us.

THEN...2 years later, I was totally surprised to find out that I was pregnant! Three kids.

And you will always find the money to take care of your children. It's funny how our priorities shifted immediately upon taking that first glance at our oldest son. Good wishes for you!

Ronda's Rants said...

I think you should adopt...if you want children, there are so many who need forever homes and I bet you would be a great Mommy! Just keep trying as well...you said it was fun!

Veggie Mom said...

If you're having trouble conceiving, adoption and foster parenting might be good options. If these don't work out, though, you might consider joining a mentoring program. There are so many kids out there who just need an adult to look up to. BTW, Uncle Lynn has given me the go-ahead to do another Great Pop'rs Giveaway--it kicks off tomorrow, so please tune in!

Shea said...

if we could just figure out how to kick coffee up a notch,
maybe add some taurine
coffee is good
and its a little sad that the
corporate giant starbucks is closing 600 stores

MamaGeek said...

OY. I could write a book on this.

We struggled with unexplained infertility for SIX long years before becoming pregnant via a modern medicine miracle. It was a long, tough road so I feel ya.

Looking back, I would recommend going STRAIGHT to the most successful method. Being either (a) IVF or (b) adoption. All the other 'MAYBE' attempts such as clomid, IUI ... can be a waste of funds and extremely draining emotionally.

Luckily our insurance was good so the decision was easy. Having said that, I wish you all the best. It WILL happen.

Candid Carrie said...

I had a child with that was chronically ill, yet undiagnosed at the time of her death. We were told that because of autorecessive genes we had a one out of four chance of having it recur.

I knew I was meant to have more children, so I started to foster. Never planned to adopt but when the first two had the rights of their parents terminated I adopted those two while married to my exhusband. Then David got his foster care license with me so that I could continue fostering and we are ending up adopting the two fosters we currently have. I went from One birth child, two three birth children with one of them dying and thinking I had no hope for more children and now I have six children and one grandchild to boot. My daughter that died was my blessing in disguise. She opened so many doors to other possibilities without even leaving her bedroom.

If I can do anything or you want to talk more, you know where to find me ;)

Anonymous said...

Money will be tight, but things will be fine. Nothing replaces those moments in your life, when you're looking into a little face that's looking back at you. Birthdays, bath time, fevers, diapers, parent/teacher conferences, soccer games, little friends coming over. The rest of anything isn't really living, having your little buddy is.

mama said...

There n our culture that "in order to afford to have children you must be able to provide him/her with:" and is followed by a long list of expensive stuff, toys, clothes, books, activities. The biggest and the best and the most.

It's bunk, it's all bunk. Babies can get by without a lot of the expensive toys and stuff.

the biggest things a baby needs: milk, mama, daddy. A few articles of clothing (hand me downs work just fine, and rarely does a baby outgrow them.) Diapers.

I think that's it. Everything else is optional. :)

Judy Haley (coffeejitters) said...

you guys are all wonderful

Kritta22 said...

We also have baby-making issues. But we do have one so we are grateful!
There are sooooo many places out there that will help with adoption costs. Try the LDS church for one. If you want to do it, find a way.
We live on a military enlisted budget, $1700 a month. I just keep in mind what our grandmothers did, or their grandmothers. They didn't have Baby Enstein or even disposable diapers. Just love, some material for diapers, a blanket and oh yeah, love! It's how we all get here and we turned out alright.
Just some thoughts

mama said...

OK, I forgot a few things:
car seat (bite the bullet, buy a good one, must be new.)
high chair (used is fine.)
And what I meant was not "rarely does a baby outgrow them" but "rarely does a baby wear out clothes", meaning that used baby clothes are usually in good shape (just check for stains.)

Lex the mom said...

Now that I know, I get the self doubt. In all seriousness, I think that we do that in many aspects of life. A bit of self doubt is good because, for me, it gives me an experience with questioning myself. When I question, I answer & usually a conclusion comes. In the end, I'm better for it, as long as it isn't all consuming.

Bearing children is something so huge to be talked about & thought about, financially, emotionally, etc. When you're in it, doing it all, it doesn't feel like it's that huge, aside from the love - cause that's ginormous! After we had our first child together, we wondered if we could afford another - we wondered if we would love the next child enough. After we had our second, we wondered if we could afford a third, and knew we could love enough. You just do.

Congrats!

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